Our hostel was right next to the ferry terminal, and about a 15min walk to the Old Town, which was simply incredible. The first thing we did, other than getting pleasantly lost within the maze of medieval streets, was fork out 2€ to climb the tower in St Olafs Cathedral.
They here is a bit of a funny story behind the construction of the cathedral. The folklore goes that a builder came to the town and offered to build the townspeople a cathedral for a fairly significant sum of money. Now, the builder was a bit of a Rumplestiltskin-esque character, and said that the citizens of Tallinn would not have to pay for his services if they could find out his real name before the project was complete (seriously, are all folk-characters complete morons? Just demand proper payment for your work, asshat. No games, no tricks, no riddles. Although maybe throwing in a free sun chair wouldn't go stray).
Any who, the townsfolk failed miserably at finding their mystery builder for quite a few years, and as the cathedral approached completion, they decided to stalk the builder back to his house and lie in wait. They then heard the wife of the builder singing to her baby, and telling it that "Olaf will be home soon". Bingo.
The townspeople ran into town, and just before Olaf was about to nail in the final bit of the cathedral, they yelled out his name. He was so surprised, that he fell to his grizzly death, where he apparently exploded or something a a snake and some other animal crawled out of his mouth as Olaf had made a deal with the devil (possibly to try to feed his family) that he would finish the building.
The townsfolk felt a little bad about the whole, falling-to-his-death thing, and decided to... name the church after him. Not give his grieving widow and child payment for the church, oh no, the old Tallinnese were a stingy bunch. They just named the church after him.
Climbing the tower was significantly more difficult than I imagined. There wasn't a lift in sight. Only a narrow, spiralled staircase with hundreds of steps which, on the most outside point, were about the length of an average sized-foot. At the inner point, it tapered down to mere millimetres. Across, the stairs were probably a little over 1m wide. So going up was fine, even fun, when there was just one person on a particular bit of stairs. It became terrifying when someone was coming down through the same bit that you were going up, as you tried to plaster yourself to the wall, as the other party squeezed past.
But the view from the top of the church was amazing, and looking down I felt less incompetent at map-reading. The entire town was a gigantic maze, and there were simply too many streets, lanes and alleys to even hope capturing it on a map.
After that, we had intended to meet up with the group to go on a tour up to the fortress area of the city. Only that didn't happen on account of us getting lost. Again.
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| The main square. Where we wanted to be. |
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| Dragon drains. Medieval builders were awesome. |
We had meant to get into the main square, which is marked by a large dark building with a tall spire. See where I'm going here? So we headed off from Olaf's church in the vague direction of the main square, and when we realised none of us really knew where we were on a map, we started heading towards a large dark building with a tall spire. Which eventually turned out to be the wrong large dark building with a tall spire. The kicker is that we would subsequently discover that we were literally 25m from where we wanted to be, but were utterly convinced that we were lost without a hope of rescue.
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Tall? Check.
Spire? Check.
Main Square? No Check. |
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| It really doesn't help that all the streets look like this. |
We somehow managed to make our way up to the fortress walls which encircled the inner city and spend a while moseying along/on top of the walls.
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| Oh maturity. I hope you never happen to me. |
Dinner that night was a medieval feast, complete with bear, boar, elk and reindeer, and curried lentils that would knock your socks off. Everyone had to have their hands washed before they could enter the banquet hall, which was slightly uncomfortable. We then sat down at our table, which was really uncomfortable on the basis that the medieval restaurant is apparently really serious about providing a genuine experience, down to not providing air-con, despite it being intolerably hot inside the room.
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| Inside the Medieval Banquet |
Entree was nut bread and "lard bread" (bread made with animal drippings) with a variety of things runnier than bread - a cheesey dip, horseradish, pâté and massive plates of whole gherkins. The cheese dip was nice, and both breads were (pleasantly) surprisingly delicious too.
The main had the most amazing, delicious curried lentils I have ever tasted, served with bear, boar and elk sausages, a massive plate of cheese, floating in less-solid cheese and spiced with herbs (delicious, but not the prettiest dish to look at), more breads and a variety of other scary looking side dishes. I was adventurous and tasted everything and didn't regret most of it. I'm fairly certain that I will not be eating bear again...
Afterwards, we went out on an adventure in the nightlife of Tallinn. Two local girls were our guides and the first port of call was a chemistry-themed bar which had the delightful combination of cheap drinks, two-for-one happy hour, test tube shooters and sciencey decorations. After staying there for a couple rounds, our guides mentioned a UNESCO heritage listed bar, not too far away and a particular shot that was "very Estonian". I think her actual words were something like " you haven't been to Tallinn unless you've tried it". Naturally, we tourists simply had to try it. After all, since UNESCO rates this place, it's practically a cultural event.
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| Chemistry bar! |
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| The menu |
The bar was a small, hole-in-the-wall establishment, with about 10 older Estonian people laughing and dancing to the tunes of a piano accordion someone was playing. It looked genuine. Then it was shot time.
Vodka, Tequila, possibly Gin(?) and Tobasco sauce should never, ever, ever, ever, ever be combined. EVER. Based on the way our guides collapsed into fits of laugher watching everyone's face go bright red and a combination of retching and reaching for anything and everything which could relieve the burn, I stared to have doubts that the UN had ever heard of this bar. If they had, surely Estonia would have been reprimanded for having weapons of mass destruction.
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| Do not ever. Ever. EVER go into this bar. They will try to kill you with alcohol and Tobasco Sauce |
We stayed out for a little longer, but frankly, after that shot, nothing else even bears mention. It was the... star... of the night.
After a bit of a sleep in, it was time to hit the streets of Tallinn again. This time we went out of the Old Town to the Tallinn TV tower, a towering spire about 15mins out of the city centre. After a bit of a wait in line (only 100people are allowed at the top at a time), we made it to the top (mercifully, no stairs this time).
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| Tallinn of the fuuuuturrreee. |
After landing back on earth, we decided a visit to the beach was in order. I use beach quite liberally, as while there were a lot of people in bathers with sunburn, there was no sand. Just gravel. But the water was blissfully cool in light of the steamy day, I did got for a bit of a paddle. The only thing that Estonians have over Australian beaches is they have beach volleyball nets and a workout zone permanently set up on the beach.
The Estonians also have a strange infatuation with wearing speedos. And it's not just the old men, young guys were out there flaunting their legs as if board shorts weren't a thing.
After we'd seem more than our fill of pasty European man-legs, we stopped by the palace and gardens for more respite from the sun.
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| Ohhhh... Historical Estonian clock museum, you say? |
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| The palace |
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| The Art Gallery |
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| Me in a GIANT CHAIR MADE FROM TYRES! |
We then sought further respite in the gift shop of an Art Gallery.
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